Procrastination: Exhibit A

Lethargy

I'm not sure why, but for the last week I've had a heck of a time doing anything productive. I handed in a paper last Monday, and since then, I've just kicked back like I don't have 600 of pages to read, which I most definitely do. It might have something to do with the time in the semester, the change in weather, or the fact that Thanksgiving break is coming up, and all I can think about is going home and getting the holiday season started.

MK visited this weekend, and it was lovely, as usual. We finished putting pictures up, and he raked my yard (and the old lady's yard next door). We also watched a movie (of course). This time it was Away We Go, and it was really good. Who knew John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph could do so well at serious roles. We've had good luck with movies lately, which is unusual since we're both rather particular about them. Next on our list is Paper Heart. Hope it keeps the good movie streak alive.

Anyway, so back to me being a blob - how do you motivate yourself to get stuff done when you feel lazy? I've done pretty well this semester at being on top of things, but I still have a big paper next week and two major projects after Thanksgiving. And all I want to do is waste time on the Internet, looking up cookie recipes for Christmas and shopping for presents. Help me!

Mind Control

This morning, I was walking into the Architecture building to do another interview. The guy who was walking in front me paused to hold the door, and now I wish he hadn’t. As I walked through the door I smelled something familiar, something that instantly made me sad. This guy was wearing the same aftershave as my ex-boyfriend. As some of you know, I had a boyfriend in the MK interim. He was wonderful. I don’t want to go into too many details on here. I guess this relationship meant enough to me that I feel the need to protect it. Let’s just say it was everything I needed. However, summer came, and thus ended the relationship. Yes, there were many other factors involved, MK being a big one. But, that’s all I’m gonna give you.

It’s odd how something like a smell or a song can just throw you off your game for hours. Last night, I found a tick on Maddy. I pulled it out, but she still has a large bump and red circle around where it used to be. She’s also been losing large tufts of hair lately. I know these are minor things, but I’m so paranoid about her aging that my mind goes down irrational paths. I’m going to make an appointment with the vet today. What’s 40 bucks when peace of mind is on the line?

I get these thoughts. And then I become fixated on them. Maddy’s dying. Someone’s going to break into my house and kill me. Memories I shouldn’t be thinking about ‘cause it doesn’t help anything. I don’t know why my mind keeps going to these places. The only thing I can think of is to blame it on the solitude. Too much time to think. Not enough other voices to interrupt my own internal crazy one. I guess a lot of these thoughts have to do with control. I like to be in control of what’s going on in my life. But the truth is, Maddy will die someday; someone could break into my house, I can’t stop that; and since I’ve chosen MK, I can’t dwell in the past or keep in contact with those in it. These are the facts.

Anyway, these are my thoughts today. Not sure how they ended up here. I guess I’m working through something.

What They Call "Rolling With the Punches"

My life is just not supposed to go according to plan these days. For my grad assistantship I write articles for a publication the grants office puts out about all the research faculty are doing on campus. It's a great job - flexible, easy, and I get to meet tons of really smart people. It's amazing to watch their faces light up when they talk about their work. I hope my face lights up like that someday.

Right now I'm sitting outside one of my interviewee's offices. And I think she forgot about our meeting. That's okay. I can reschedule. It's just funny to me that nothing has gone according to plan this week. And now I'm nervous something will happen to MK's plan to come visit tomorrow. Because, if you haven't noticed, I am a pessimist at least 90 percent of the time. For instance, there was an armed robbery on campus a few weeks ago. And now, every person I walk by potentially has a gun in his pocket. This is not logical thinking, I know. But an overly active imagination and pessimism can be a torturous combo. Incidentally, I believe this is how ADT stays in business, as I'm getting an alarm system installed this week.

I want to write something funny or inspiring on this blog, but nothing comes to mind. I guess I'm just cruising along, waiting for Christmas break and many exciting changes ahead.

So, here's something funny to look at. We were trying to figure out how exactly to arrange some pictures on the wall (still deciding, actually), and MK snapped this photo. So there you have it, Internet, my butt crack. Also, please notice how stupid the couch looks after making new arm covers to put over Henry's work. We're still looking for dark brown leather fabric. The tan is temporary.

Ugh.

You knew the optimism wouldn't last long. Today I found out that I can't get a loan to purchase my house. I know that's confusing being that I'm already living in said house. You see, because we wanted to rush things so I could move in in time for school to start, my dad purchased the house. The process was taking too long for me to do it on my own. So the deal has always been that I would get a loan this fall and pay him for the house and then handle the mortgage and all that grown up nonsense. Well, it turns out that I have too big of a blip on my credit for me to get approved. I miscalculated my deferment for my student loan. This is a ridiculously stupid move on my part. I was just being lazy and not paying my loan because I knew my deferment would be retroactive. I just undershot my timeframe. I know that it'll be fine. It's not like my dad is going to kick me out, or even collect rent for that matter. But it messes up the plan. And I don't like it when the plan gets messy.

Anyway, that was boring, and I apologize.

The good news of the day is my afternoon class was canceled, so I got to spend the whole day at home. It was wonderful. I gave Maddy a bath, went on a long walk, called a few friends I've been meaning to catch up with, and cleaned. Also, I gave my blog a makeover. Since I'm using the simple white background over here (hint: visit this blog. i'm having a good time coming up with stuff to post here. you should visit. and leave comments.), I thought I'd spruce it up again.

As If My Life Weren't Complicated Enough...

So, I have been smacked in the face with a whopping dose of optimism. It's weird. It's unsettling. And I'm sure it'll be fleeting. Or maybe this is just the afterglow of being home for five days. Also, I guess I feel good right now because I'm more than halfway done with my first semester as a doctoral student. There's something about having a semester down that I think will really help my mental well being. I guess I just feel so new at this still.

Anyway, my latest conundrum is this - should I purchase a Nook? I know. It's a major problem. Here are the reasons I'm thinking this might be a good idea -

1. I read an obscene amount every week. And, a large portion of that reading is via PDFs I download from Blackboard. Now, being a traditionalist, I have been printing off all the articles and putting them neatly into a binder. However, this is time consuming and...

2. I'm wasting paper.

3. It's a gadget. Therefore, I want it! Having a MacBook, iPhone, digital voice recorder, and digital SLR just doesn't cut it. I need more gadgets!

4. I'm considering the digital literacies option for my emphasis (or rhetorical history). So, I kind of feel like I need to embrace technology as much as possible right now. Feel it out. See how it fits.

5. My advisor has one. And she's amazing. I want to be her.

The only major reasons I wouldn't go through with this are 1. it's expensive, and 2. I loooooove books. I know this would be a handy tool for my studies, but what if I like it? What if I choose to download my leisure reading, assuming I'll have time for it someday, and stop adding to my collection? How will I accomplish my goal of having a super snooty, well-read person's library if I go this direction?

Thoughts?

In other news, my mother has started planning my wedding. I may have a few wedding related bookmarks on my computer, but she has actually been scouting out reception sites. So, I guess I'm not the only one who's ready to get this party started. No pressure, Mikael. No pressure at all...

Weekly Bummer

My Sunday nights are always depressing. Either I'll have just arrived back to my empty house from being home for the weekend, or MK will have left here to go back to Michigan. When I started planning my move here and my fresh start, I did not anticipate feeling so isolated and alone. I had it in my head that I would feel independent and free, being so happy to be out of my parents house and finally getting on with my education. Turns out, I don't feel independent; I feel a bit lost. I know I've complained about this before, but I thought it would've gone away by now. I mean, I should not be counting down the days 'til the weekend when this one isn't even over yet.

In my grad school orientation I heard it said several times, "Don't do grad school alone." It was highly recommended that you have a strong support system. I know I have that. It's just three hours away. It's hard coming home, being exhausted from reading, writing, trying to appear smart in class. Maddy and Charlie can only do so much.

Anyway, I know I'm in no position to make demands. MK did move from California to Michigan to win me back, and then I left to go to school. But I need him to follow me one more time. I know it's in the plan, and I had originally discouraged him from moving here with me (remember, I was going to be all independent), but I'm ready. I don't want a roommate or to meet a friend for coffee once in a while; I want him. Here. With me. There was a time when I wasn't sure I would feel that way again, but it's back. And it feels nice, familiar, cozy. And maybe that's the problem. Home to me isn't so much a place anymore; it's him. And without him, my new home feels empty.